Emotional roller coaster

Usually I don't have a lot of highs or lows emotion-wise, but recently things have been really up and down.

I had a great time with Nate in Towada and Tokyo. And when I came back from that the fun continued with Kirita School Festival preparations, an awesome Saturday at the Towada Koma (Horse) Festa, Towada Kyodokan & Nitobe Memorial Museum, and finally the actual Kirita School Festival.

But right after that, things crashed (figuratively and literally) with my car accident. That week was pretty rough, but on Sunday I was able to refresh myself with a morning viewing the fall foliage in Oirase Gorge, an afternoon baking cookies, and dinner at one of my favourite restaurants in Towada.

Then this week I had lots of fun with Halloween parties/lessons at Kirita JHS as well as my top three favourite elementary schools (in chronological order, rather than order of preference): Sanbongi ES (Mon. morning), Shimokirida ES (Wed. morning) and Takashizu ES (today).

But as fun as the days were, the past two nights have been absolute downers.

Thursday night I had practice for the November 3rd Bunka Sai Opening Ceremony. Rika-sensei had asked me to arrive early for practice, so I was there from 6pm until about 8:30pm! I think it was extra tiring because I'm only actually dancing in the very last part (maybe 2-3 minutes?) but of course we had to practice the entire piece so I was just sitting and watching for the most part. And I had to sit in seiza (on my knees) for almost the entire time because that's the proper etiquette. @_@

I do try to have a positive attitude towards most things, but I really regret agreeing to be in the Opening Ceremony of the Bunka Sai.  Because of my schedule I could only make it to three of the practices (tonight was the third) and I'm not naturally graceful/athletic or anything, so it takes me a while to learn a dance and I feel really uncomfortable performing without a lot of practice. And the thing with the Opening Ceremony is that it's a piece with students from many different schools/teachers of dance so there's the added discomfort of performing inadequately in front of/with people who are mostly strangers.

I think I've gained a bit more confidence since coming to Japan, but I'm still pretty self-conscious, so these opening ceremony practices have been more tiring mentally/emotionally than physically. At least once during every opening ceremony practice I think to myself "もう全然やる気がない！" (I don't want to do this at all anymore!) Maybe if I'd started practicing a month earlier I would feel differently, but then again, considering that would've been at the same time as all the preparation/practices for the October performance, maybe not...

One good thing that came out of Thursday night, though, was that I got to see one of my students who graduated in my first year at Kirita. (She's also dancing only in the last part.)

Then today I got an email at 4pm from Rika-sensei saying that 3 of the elementary student girls who were supposed to be in the children's Tachimawari were out with the flu and that she wanted me to come early for practice today so I could learn the part and be in the dance! So I was at the Bunka Center for practice from 5:30pm-8:00pm tonight. = _ =

Again, I HATE going into things feeling unprepared, so doing a performance with only one night of practice before the actual event is the worst! Plus the Tachimawari is a men's style dance, so the movements--the stances, positioning of feet, etc.--are completely different from the type of Nihonbuyo (classical Japanese dance) I usually do.

I suppose it's all a good experience for me, but right now I'm just feeling really put upon, tired and cranky. And the thing is we have a dress rehearsal for the Opening Ceremony on Monday evening (after work) and I'm going to be out for the Bunka Sai from 8:30am until at least 4pm on a day that's supposed to be a "holiday" (with work the next day), so I'm really feeling quite resentful towards Nihonbuyo right now .　(もう嫌だ！） I can't wait for the performance to be over and for next weekend to come!

Real Clothes

So I started watching a new J-drama called Real Clothes a few of weeks ago. (It airs every Tuesday at 10pm on Fuji Television.) The basic premise is that a dowdy salesperson, Amano Kinue gets transferred from bedding to the women's clothing section of a major department store, Echizenya. Jinbo Miki is the newly hired supervisor of the women's clothing department and she has big plans for the renewal/revival of the department store. Having no interest in clothing, Kinue struggles to find her place in this world of elite fashion.

I really enjoy the show because I feel like I can relate to Kinue. (She also happens to be 26 in the story!) At the beginning of the first episode, she is traveling in Paris with her boyfriend, Tatsuya. Although he tells her she should buy some nice clothes since they're in France, all she's interested in is eating various foods recommended in her guide book! When she first meets her soon-to-be-new-boss, Jinbo Miki, Miki looks at her with disdain and declares: "If you wear boring clothes, you will have a boring life."

Kinue's attitude towards clothes reminds me of how I was, probably right up until almost the end of university. Even as a child, I rebelled when my mom wanted to put me in pink frilly dresses. I was always more for comfort (those frilly dresses were itchy!) than style. Then I became super self-conscious about my weight/appearance in junior high and high school, so I only wore black clothes. (I did branch into grey towards the end of high school, though.) I lost weight in my first two years of university because I was living in residence and had to cook for myself (i.e. no meal plan), so around that time I started buying more clothes in different colours--mostly reds and various brown/beige tones.

But I was also buying a lot of manga/anime at the time, and moreover had started getting into hockey, so I preferred spending money on those things rather than clothes. Apart from my (very basic and plain) clothing for work--I'd worked summers and part time at Scotiabank since I was 17--I pretty much only had t-shirts and jeans, plus sweatershirts/hoodies for colder weather. When I started work full time I did go on a bit of a clothes shopping spree, but I still stuck with very plain clothes--still predominantly black--and went for practicality/comfort rather than style. Unlike Kinue, I wasn't thinking "I don't like clothing/fashion" but I did feel like I couldn't be bothered with it.

But, just as Kinue has been developing an appreciation for clothing over the past few episodes, I've started to find the fun in being a girl and "dressing up" since coming to Japan. At one point in the first episode, a co-worker of Kinue's tells her that she likes working in the women's clothing department because she enjoys seeing the happiness on customers' faces when they look in the mirror and realize that they've found that perfect article of clothing. In the second episode, when Kinue asks another co-worker what she should do to improve in her job, the co-worker tells her all she needs to do is to like clothing/fashion more. Still yet another co-worker tells her later on that the first step she needs to take is to find one thing (fashion-related) that she likes--a favourite colour, silver accessories, one piece of clothing that makes her feel happy, etc.

As I said, I've never disliked clothing/fashion, but I've never really found clothes shopping enjoyable before. I always thought it was kind of a pain being a girl. I mean, when guys need to "dress up" all they need to do is put on a suit and tie and they're done, but girls have so many more decisions to make/things to consider--dress, skirt, or pants? flats or heels? accessories, hair, make-up, etc. etc. Unless it was for work or a semi-formal event, I generally couldn't be bothered to do more than throw on a t-shirt and jeans.

I think that one of the "one thing"-s that made me feel happy was the yukata I bought in August of my first year. At the time I didn't know how to put it on by myself, but when I was able to wear it during Aki Matsuri (thanks to the help of a nice older Japanese lady), I felt a little different--more feminine, maybe. And this year in particular I've been finding a lot of shoes and clothes that I really like--especially pants. Having lost a fair bit of weight since coming to Japan, I've been noticing that the pants I brought with me are pretty loose now. For example, I used to be able to get away without using a belt, but my pants would sag dangerously low now if I went without one.

I've always had the idea that Japanese pants are designed for super skinny girls only, so I'd never bothered trying on any pants (exccept at the GAP in Sapporo) in Japan. But recently I tried some on at Uniqlo and was pleasantly pleased to discover that I could find ones that fit! I needed to get them shortened, but even in Canada pants were generally too long for me, so that wasn't an issue. Besides, at Uniqlo they can hem pants for you for free (if you don't mind visible seams) in about 15 minutes!

So yes, I went on a second Uniqlo shopping spree (the first one being about a month ago) on the Monday when I had the car accident. (I was driving from Uniqlo to Powers U, in fact, when the accident happened). I bought two pairs of dress/work pants, two pairs of jeans, and three v-neck sweaters. The mother of one of my Kirita first year students was working at Uniqlo that day and actually rang up my sale, so I was a bit embarrassed to be "caught" spending so much in one shot, but oh well... (By the way, this is a picture of me clothed almost entirely in clothing from Uniqlo! In case you're wondering, the socks and necklace are the only things not from Uniqlo. Furthermore, with the exception of the black turtleneck--which I bought last year--it's all stuff I purchased from Uniqlo within the last two months! @_@ I'm crazy, I know--and my budget is completely out of whack now, too...)

I still prefer simple styles, but I'm branching out a bit at least. I still haven't figured out how to wear the "Japanese-type" top I got from Chambre, but I was really happy to discover that the "Sawako-image" one piece dress and parka (hoody) that I ordered simply because it was related to the Kimi ni Todoke anime/manga actually didn't look too bad on me! (Well, I did send a picture of myself in it to a friend to ask her opinion about how it looked on me before I wore it in public, but anyway...)

Apart from the burgeoning interest in clothing, another thing about Kinue I feel I can relate to is her stage in life. In the most recent episode (episode #3), her boss, Miki, asks her about her direction in life: what she intends to be/where she wants to be five years and ten years in the future. Kinue realizes at this point that she hasn't really thought about her future in such terms before and is unable to answer.

Watching the show, I was also thinking "Where do I want to be five years and ten years in the future?" I really have no idea. I know that I want to be working somewhere where I feel challenged by the work and where I feel like I'm making some sort of contribution to society, but I haven't a clue as to what type of job that would be.


Until recently I would've at least been able to say that I definitely planned on living/working in Toronto or Mississauga, but now even that's in question. Maybe it's just my natural dislike for change, but recently I've been thinking about what it'd be like to come back to live in Towada permanently... There's probably only a 2% or less chance of me actually doing so, but the fact that I'm considering it all just goes to show how completely up in the air my plans for the future are.

Another long held "plan" for my future that has come into question since I moved to Japan is my belief that I would never ever get married. I've always thought that the whole relationship thing is just way too much trouble and that I would be much happier staying single, but actually living on my own for the first time I've realized that there are some benefits to being able to share your daily life with someone. I've said it before, but for one thing, moving into my apartment and having to assemble various pieces of furniture--bookshelf, dish cabinet, etc. etc.--on my own really made me think about how handy it would be to have a guy around... Well, assuming said guy happens to be good with such things... =P

I still believe that I'd be perfectly happy staying single, but I'm no longer completely resistant to the idea of possibly getting married in the future. Even just a few months ago if someone asked me about whether I planned/wanted to get married, I'd immediately say "Not for me. NO WAY." But now it's more like, "Most likely not--but you never know."

So yeah, my time in Japan has definitely been a huge learning/growing experience for me so far. I wonder what the next nine months have in store for me...?

[Edit: The Real Clothes theme song "きっと大丈夫" ("Kitto Daijoubu" loosely translates to "definitely all right/OK") is sung by Sakazume Misako and can be found in her "love note" album.)

Day to soothe the spirit

Today was a really good day.

I got up early to go to Oirase Gorge to see the fall leaves (I left the house around 6:15am!). Thankfully very few others were up at the time, so driving/parking wasn't a problem, and I could enjoy the gorge in solitude for the most part.


Even though the leaves haven't completely changed colours yet, it was still beautiful. I just wish that my camera could accurately capture the vividness of the splashes of red against yellow/green. Usually when I go through the gorge with people, I only stop at a few big sights--the Kumoi and "Little Niagara" waterfalls, for example--but since I was on my own and had plenty of time today, I actually walked through a good portion of the gorge. (Although I still drove and parked at various places.)

At one point I even broke into song:

Looking at His wondrous works I stand amazed in awe
How could any person doubt that He is God?
Since nature sings out his praises then I ought to join
And share in this grand worship to the Lord!

It was a bit embarrassing because I thought I was alone, but about 30s after I stopped singing, I paused to take a picture and a slightly older couple came from behind and passed me. I'm guessing that they were probably close enough to hear me singing, but I just didn't notice them behind me at the time... ^^;; Ah well, singing from the heart is nothing to be ashamed of, I guess.

And I'm really glad that I went early in the morning--even though it was pretty cold! I don't think I would've enjoyed it so much or been so relaxed if I'd had to contend with all the cars/traffic. I'm also glad I decided to just do the gorge and not to bother with Lake Towada. As it was, I didn't get back home until around 11:45pm--meaning I spent five and a half hours at the gorge (well, minus travel time).

Admittedly coming home was a little bit stressful. The last place I parked was actually near the beginning of the gorge, but I'd parked on the left hand side, so to get out I was forced to drive back into the gorge. I was worried that I'd have to go through the entire gorge (heading towards Lake Towada) before I'd get a chance to pull off/turn around somewhere, but luckily about 10 minutes in I was able to pull over and traffic cleared enough for me to do a 3-point turn and head home!

Once home I had an apple for lunch and made Halloween cards for tomorrow's classes. After that, I baked chocolate chunk cookies to give out as Halloween treats to the elementary school I'm visiting on Friday (only 49 students in the whole school)! Not only does baking relax me, but it helps warm up my apartment and fills it with delicious smells!

After that I decided to go out to Isshin for dinner. Ah, that reminds me, even though I only had an apple for lunch, I guess all the walking around the gorge--or simply the passage of time--helped me to regain my appetite somewhat! So I was actually slightly hungry and felt like eating a proper dinner. And I didn't just eat at Isshin, I also brought my Canadian history textbook (Origins: Canadian History to Confederation, 6th ed.) so I was able to study while waiting for my beef curry and while enjoying almond cocoa afterwards! I spent a little over an hour at Isshin, which is pretty amazing for me, considering that when I eat alone I usually gulp down my food in a mere 10-15minutes.

Such was the state of my mellowness after Isshin that even though I had a bit of a driving scare on my way back, I still felt very relaxed when I got home. (As I was approaching an intersection where I had the right of way, a car started entering the intersection from my left! Talk about déjà vu! Having learned from the accident, however, I had slowed down approaching the intersection, so it was only a bit of a jerky stop for me. Plus the other car--which had a stop sign--did in fact come to a stop, although it was a very abrupt stop after entering the intersection slightly.)

So yeah, I feel like a lot of the stress from the past week was soothed away today. Plus my appetite is returning, which is good. Unfortunately I still have neck/shoulder stiffness, plus headaches, but I decided to stop being so...stoic...about the pain and took a couple of Advil (my first time opening the bottle since coming to Japan!) when I got home. So far it seems to have done the trick for the headaches.

Oh, and you can see a selection of today's photos from Oirase Gorge (a lot of them are pretty similar ^^;;) at http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=331863&id=655150561&l=6a7941a8c0

Post Traumatic Stress?

The mind is a funny thing.

I was driving again mere hours after my accident and have been driving to work, etc. every day since without feeling much more than a need to be extra cautious. Well, naturally in the back of my mind I'm nervous, but that nervousness never manifested physically before. But suddenly today--four days after the accident--I could feel myself getting anxious as I was driving to the office. Guess it was the post traumatic stress belatedly kicking in.

Since I'd been totally fine driving up to then, the anxiety took me completely by surprise. It wasn't a panic attack or anything major like that, but I could feel a tightness in my chest and I was a little nauseated. When I reached the office I actually had to just sit and take deep breaths for a while before I left the car.

Maybe it only hit me today because today I started getting more details about what's going on insurance-wise. Even though I knew about the split liability thing in Japan, I never really thought through the implications too carefully. Split liability (in my case, it seems like it's going to be 80%-20%) means not only am I responsible for a portion of the damage to my car, but I'm also responsible for a portion of the damage to the obaachan's car! (Well, turns out she's not actually all that old--around 58, maybe? But she really looked older. Guess the farming life is very hard on a person... But yeah, I'm going to keep referring to her as "the obaachan" because it's easier.)

And since this is my second accident within the same year, if I get the insurance company to pay for the damages, my monthly premiums will jump up to something like 60,000 yen (over $600!) per month!!

I'm trying to stay positive about everything, but really, I can't help but feel that it really sucks that I'm going to end up paying so much--either out of pocket for repair costs or over the long term in insurance costs--because I had the misfortune of getting hit by someone else. But since I can't change the past, there's no point in bemoaning my "luck"--all I can do is try to stay positive as I deal with the consequences as they arise.

On the brighter side, the obaachan's insurance will cover all of my health/medical costs--even compensation for fuel costs for going to the hospital!--so that's one less thing for me to worry about. Even though I was able to walk away from the accident without showing any signs of obvious injury, I have been noticing extra stiffness/pain in my neck and shoulders, and I've been having low grade headaches of some duration/frequency for the past few days. So yeah, I decided to play it safe and went to a clinic today.


Which reminds me of another thing I'm really thankful for: an awesome supervisor and office!! Particularly since the accident occurred outside of working hours, it would totally be within my office's rights to expect me to use my paid holiday days (nenkyu) to go to the doctor. And my supervisor didn't have to make the time to come to the clinic with me this morning, either, but she did. I know she's also spent a ridiculous amount of time on the phone with the insurance companies, and running around various places to file paperwork....

Plus on Tuesday (the day after the accident) I finished my school visit after lunch, so normally I'm supposed to go to the office for the rest of the afternoon, but since I wasn't feeling so great--mostly I felt mentally fatigued--they let me go home after school instead. So yeah, my supervisor/office have really done a lot to make this a lot less of an ordeal than it could be.

But back to the health/"post traumatic stress" stuff...

Since I went to the doctor today I had to submit papers from the insurance company (?) dealing with the medical stuff to the police. Well, actually Mukainakano-sensei took them in this evening and I got a call from her around 6:15pm because it turned out I needed to give a statement in order for the police to be able to accept the form.

The statement covered the basic details of what happened--time, my speed, where I was coming from and going at the time--as well as things I thought I could've done to prevent the accident (slowed down more before entering the intersection). It also clarified when I started feeling pain (the morning after the accident) and why I waited so long before going to the doctor (I was busy at school and didn't want to take time off to go!).

The interesting part was that they also asked me if I wanted the obaachan to have a heavy penalty/fine since the accident was "upgraded" from a mere vehicular accident to a vehicular accident with injuries. I wasn't really seriously injured, so of course I said there was no need for a heavy fine, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't be out to "punish" the obaachan even if I'd been injured worse. I mean, it wasn't like she was drag racing or driving under the influence or anything--it was just an accident. Maybe it could've been avoided if she'd entered the intersection more cautiously, but the same could be said for me--although I believe the onus for extra caution was on her since she was facing a stop sign. And it's not like having her pay a big fine would do anything to help my situation at all.

But yeah, I really hope everything--car repair stuff, insurance, health stuff--gets settled soon.

I've even suffered a loss of appetite since the accident. I eat because I know I should, but I don't really feel like I'm actually hungry anymore. Or, if I do feel hungry, once I start eating I feel full very quickly. As I result, I've been eating even less than usual for dinners--maybe just an apple and/or some yogurt. (Well, last night I had the bread from school lunch that I couldn't eat at the time, but that was because it was there rather than out of hunger.) But I'm pretty sure it's just a "post traumatic stress" thing and not a physical problem. Hopefully once everything is settled I'll also be able to settle down more mentally/emotionally and get back to normal.

*sigh* I really hope that I'm OK driving through Oirase Gorge to Lake Towada on Sunday. But I'm down to my last 9 months in Japan, so I'm not going to let even something like a car accident stop me from seeing the famed autumn foliage! I'm going to sleep early Saturday night and get up early to avoid the crowds, so I think it should be OK... Maybe I should have asked someone to come with me, but I'll do my best to get over my driving jitters on my own.