"The most excellent way"

In April I was visited by some Jehovah witnesses. It wasn't the first visit I've had (they came once when I was living in the old house, and once shortly after I moved into the apartment), but it was the first time I actually spent a fair amount of time listening to them. (I was originally going to say "talking with" but realized that it was a mostly one-sided "conversation".)

Unfortunately I've forgotten the exact references of the verses that they shared with me towards the end of the "conversation", but I do remember that I was fairly appalled by their choices. Both verses were emphasizing dichotomies between believers and non-believers. One was from Psalms talking about how God punishes the "wicked" but rewards the "righteous" (or something along those lines) and the other was from Revelations, so of course it talked about the end times and hell and heaven and how "the wicked will perish".

Listening to them talking about how "The world we live in today is corrupt, but isn't it great that believers in God have the future hope of going to heaven?" I felt really frustrated. I didn't want the conversation to drag on so I just kept smiling and nodding, but really I was thinking "This isn't--can't be the "good news" God wants us to be spreading to the world! Whatever happened to "Love, for the day is near"?"

That feeling really reinforced the thoughts I've been having lately about what it means to be a Christian.

I've been thinking that we run into trouble as Christians when we try to become more like Christ/God. When we try to become perfect--and that's what it boils down to, since God is perfect--I think it's easy lose sight of our own inherently flawed natures; we unconsciously start believing that being Christians makes us "better people;" we grow proud of our "higher morals/values/standards" and turn into self-righteous prigs.

Since leaving my comfortable bubble of Christian community and coming to Japan, I've definitely become aware of such tendencies in my own thoughts and actions. And when I try to compensate by attempting to become as loving and gracious as Jesus, I become superficially nice and fake--not wanting to voice my real thoughts/opinions for fear of offending someone or coming across as judgmental.

Recently, though, I realized that what I should really be doing is trying to become more and more aware of God's love for me. When I realize how much He loves me, I naturally want to reciprocate that love--to Him and to others around me.

I still want to be a "better person," but the difference is I'm not doing it for my own sake or in an attempt to reach God's perfection, but simply out of a desire to not hurt/disappoint the God who loves me unconditionally. (To be more accurate, I suppose what I really want to be is a more loving person.)

When I reflect on God's love, I am humbled.

On my own I can't love others unselfishly. But when I think about how flawed I am and all the wrong things I do/say/think and realize that God loves me all the same, I can draw from that grace and love to try to be kinder and more loving towards others.

One of my all-time favourite manga and anime series is Fruits Basket by Natsuki Takaya. It's a story about a girl who comes to live with a classmate of hers considered by many to be the school "prince," Yuki Sohma. But the "prince" has a secret: his family has been cursed so that when embraced by members of the opposite sex, they turn into their respective (Chinese/Japanese) zodiac animals!

Anyway, one of my favourite scenes from the manga/anime is when Yuki is talking to one of his younger cousins, Kisa, who has been bullied because of her naturally tawny hair and eye colour (part of the curse since she's the year of the Tiger). As a result of the bullying, she stopped talking and stopped going to school. In the scene, Yuki reads a letter she has received from her teacher asking her to come back to school. The teacher basically says that Kisa simply needs to learn to like herself in order to deal with the bullying. But Yuki disagrees:

Here, it says to "like yourself." What does that mean? Good things- how are you supposed to find them? I only know things that I hate about myself. Because that's all I know, I hate myself. But even if you force yourself to find good things, it feels so empty. It doesn't work that way. People like your teacher just don't get it. I think when you hear someone say they like you, for the first time, then you can begin to like yourself. I think when someone accepts you, for the first time, you feel like you can forgive yourself a little. You can begin to face your fears with courage.

When I first watched/read that and even up to now that scene really resonated with me. "Here is the heart of Christianity," I thought: "We love because he first loved us" 1 John 4:19.

And for me, that's really the key. Christians aren't any better or more moral than non-Christians. Nor are we more beloved by God--God loves everyone equally; we're simply aware of and believe in God's unconditional love for us where others are/do not.

So I find it really sad when churches set themselves up as "voices of moral authority in a corrupt world." To me that kind of stance tends to set Christians up in opposition to people, rather than extending God's love to them.

I think I first really started feeling that way when the whole issue of legalizing same-sex marriages came up in Canada. I felt really uncomfortable with how churches were petitioning against the bill and encouraging people to attend protest rallies, etc. While I understand the general principle of the whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" thing, I think that it's really difficult to make such a distinction in issues such as homosexuality. At that time, I decided that if I was to err, I'd rather err on the side of loving people rather than judging them. (So yes, I think it's entirely possible to be Christian and homosexual, even though "the Church" does make that difficult.)

When I was thinking through that issue, these were some of the Bible verses that led me to that way of thinking:

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." - Matthew 22:37-40

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
    Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
    Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet and then turn and tear you to pieces."- Matthew 7:1-5

And, of course, the classic:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honour one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
   Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
   Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:
        
              "If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
              if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
              In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Do not overcome evil by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:9-21

Even up to now these are the words I want to live by.

Of course, to love people I actually need to interact with them. ^^;; I've definitely become more and more hermit-like the longer I've stayed in Japan.

As an introvert I find it tiring to be around people--particularly large groups of people--unless they're really close friends or their personalities just happen to mesh well with mine. Throw lots of alcohol into the mix--I'm pretty much a non-drinker--and the situation's discomfort factor for me is doubly compounded. Unsurprisingly, large JET functions in particular are extremely draining for me.

In my first year I made a significant effort to attend functions--just to be social. In my second year I tried at least a little. This past year I really didn't try at all. With four new ALTs having just arrived in Towada, however, I feel like I should really try to make a bit more of an effort this year.

TMI

I have a bad habit of giving too much information to students when they ask me personal questions.

Recently, I was at an elementary school and talking with some 6th grade girls during lunch break. Since it was at a school and with a grade I've taught regularly this past year, they felt comfortable enough to ask more than the usual "Do you have a boyfriend?" question.

For example, they asked about if I'd had been hugged by a guy before, kissed before, when my first kiss was, whether I was living with anyone, if I had plans for marriage in the near future, and the kicker: if I'd ever had sex. @_@;;

I was so surprised by the last question I simply blurted out the truth: an appalled "NO!" (したことないよ!). It's not that I'm a prude or anything (or so I hope), but it's just that I was shocked that sixth graders would even ask such a question.

Since my answer was "no", I don't think it was such a problem that I answered them honestly, but still, I immediately realized that I shouldn't have answered that question at all and probably many of the earlier ones as well. ("Give an inch and they'll take a mile," right?) I mean, it wasn't a big deal to me, but I don't want them getting the mistaken impression it's OK to ask ALTs overly personal (失礼な) questions simply because we're ALTs. It's a matter of maintaining boundaries.

Part of the problem for me is that I feel like the line between "teacher" and "playmate" is quite blurred for ALTs. And because the line is blurred, I tend to treat my students here more like "my WAY kids"--the teens in the church youth group where I served as a counselor--than like the students I taught when I was working as a teacher in Mississauga.

I mean, part of the role of a youth group counselor is to be open about your life with the kids so they can see how God is working in it. And I think the kids get more out of our interactions with them when they feel like they know us and vice-versa. Conversely, in my first (and only) semester working as a teacher at a high school, I was very conscious of maintaining a professional distance and made it a point not to share much personal information because I knew it would be easy to fall into the trap of trying to be "friends" with my students...

Another thing that put me off my guard, I guess, was that I was with elementary students. It's probably not a very accurate image, but I feel like with the ES kids it's more "innocent" curiosity so I don't think twice about answering questions that I probably wouldn't answer coming from JHS students. [Ah, that reminds me, one of the girls asked me "What does it feel like to "like" someone?" which I thought was really cute. But I digress...]

Anyway, apart from recognizing that I need to be a bit more vigilant in establishing/maintaining personal/professional boundaries with students, the conversation also made me realize that growing up in a Christian environment and being a Christian really does actually set you apart from the prevailing culture.

To me it's quite natural to think that sex is something to be saved for marriage. But when I stop and think about it, that's really quite an uncommon value/ideal/belief to hold in today's society.

It's really a shame that I didn't think to say something about that to the students when I answered their question. I would've liked to have at least made them aware that some people actually choose to remain and/or believe in staying chaste until marriage--and that it's not necessarily just something resulting from a lack of interest/opportunity.

Car accident (#2) conclusion

So I finally got my car back on Nov. 27th and was amazed to see that it actually looked newer than when I first bought it! After that I sent word (via my supervisor, of course) to my insurance company that the car was repaired and everything was OK so the two insurance companies (mine and the obaachan's) could get things settled.

I was waiting to hear exactly how much and by when I would have to pay for my portion of the car repairs--did I mention before that the obaachan had kindly refused the need for me to pay for the damage to her car?--and finally got an email from Mukainakano-sensei today....

Turns out the obaachan actually (and very generously) insisted on paying for 100% of the damages from the accident, i.e. car repairs for both cars, plus my medical bills. @_@;; I still feel very shocked and humbled, and also rather regretful. 

As much as I complained about it, a tiny part of me (that I wanted to ignore) could kind of understand the logic behind the Japanese system of assessing responsibility/liability in the case of a multiparty accident, so I stopped feeling like it was "unfair." (Well, subjectively I still felt like it sucked, but when I looked at the situation objectively, I could accept the reasoning.)

[When I got the cost estimates from the insurance company, though, I did feel/wish, that I could have made things less costly for the obaachan (and myself) by buying a different used car. But she had requested that I repair the car so I acceded to her wishes. But I digress...]

I did mention in a post I wrote after the post about the car accident that I realized that I had misjudged the obaachan, but after learning that she had insisted on paying for 100% of the accident costs, I really regretted judging her so quickly (and harshly) in my initial post-accident blog entry.

Looking back, I realize that what I interpreted as "rudeness" could, with a kinder eye, be interpreted as mere brusqueness--likely partially attributable to personality but also probably partially attributable to shock from the accident. I guess I was too caught up in my own feelings/reactions to the accident to be able to step back and look at her actions from a different perspective. I mean, everyone reacts to shock differently. And courtesy/manners are really more a reflection of social skills than of character, so it was unfair of me to think of her as a "rude person" because her behaviour was abrupt/"rude".

Ahhh... I'm making a mess of things, but basically what I want to say is that I've realized that I should work harder not to judge people. This is really the first time I've understood (in my heart and not just my head) why God tells Christians not to judge others. And I feel regretful at my uncharitable thoughts about the obaachan when I think about the verse in 1 Samuel (16:7): "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

All I could see was the obaachan's abrupt behaviour and the fact that she didn't explicitly say "I'm sorry." But now her actions have revealed an amazing sense of...integrity? Honesty?

I mean, even if you really felt 100% responsible, it would be easy to accept only 80% of the liability for practical, financial reasons. (And really, the repair cost wasn't a small amount.) If I was in her shoes, I really don't know if I'd be able to make the decision to do the same thing.


So yes, I feel incredibly humbled by her actions.

And I want to do my best from now on to draw conclusions about people less hastily and to give them the benefit of a doubt instead of assuming the worst--because only God knows what is truly inside a person's heart.

(Apologies if this post wasn't very coherent/intelligible--I'm still "in shock" from the outcome of the situation.)

Saint Oniisan

What if Jesus and Buddha shared an apartment in modern day Tokyo?

That's the premise behind the comical slice-of-life manga "聖☆おにいさん" (Saint Oniisan a.k.a Saint Young Men) by Nakamura Hikaru. It began serialization in Kodansha's  monthly "モーニング・ツー" (Morning Two) magazine in 2007 and has since gained a fair bit of popularity as well as critical acclaim. It was even awarded the 2009 Tezuka Osamu Cultural Prize Short Story Award.

Unfortunately, it has not yet been licensed for North American release. As a Christian, I'd really like to see this manga translated into English. Some will find it offensive, I'm sure, but I think that the amount of discussion about Jesus, Christianity, and religion in general an English translation would generate would be beneficial. (Well, open-minded discussion would be beneficial, anyway. Obviously strong knee-jerk "This is sacrilegious and should be banned" type rants would probably only promote a negative impression of Christianity as close-minded and judgmental...)

Admittedly it's not a manga I can say that I enjoy without reservations, but I do find it interesting and fairly amusing. [Note: Just to give you fair warning, I talk in detail about some of the scenes, so the rest of the post has a lot of what some might consider "spoilers."]

[Side note: The first time I heard about it, I was really interested in reading it. The first chapter, though, didn't really catch my interest so I didn't bother reading more. After talking about it with a friend, however, I decided to give it a second try and ended up going through all of the chapters currently available online as English scanlations.]

It's interesting to see the writer's perspective on/portrayal of Jesus, even though (based on what I've read so far) I do have some issues with the characterization of Jesus. The artist/writer did apparently research the characters and topics a fair bit, and reportedly has stated that the work is meant to honour both characters--which I don't doubt, but...

There are some minor things I find odd--like the running stigmata gag where Jesus's foreheard starts bleeding (around the crown of thorns) when he gets upset, but I recognize that they simply feel strange to me because they have their roots in the Roman Catholic tradition. But the one thing in the manga that I can't seem to reconcile myself to is how Jesus comes across as very careless about money. (In contrast, Buddha is the more practical/budget conscious character.)

On the one hand, I can understand how the depiction is a literary necessity. I mean, a lot of the humour of the manga comes from the contrast between Jesus and Buddha in their personalities, reactions to things, etc. Besides, in comedic stories characters usually need to have some sort of personality quirk that can be played upon. Apart from literary/artistic explanations for Jesus' portrayal in the manga, I can also see how one might come to think that Jesus might have a careless attitude towards money since he does say:

So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:31-34

But not worrying excessively about money/not working too hard in the pursuit of wealth is different from being careless about money. And the Jesus of Saint Oniisan is portrayed as being a careless and even somewhat frivolous spender.

For example, every time the two go traveling/sightseeing somewhere, Jesus wants to buy useless souvenirs/things and Buddha constantly has to tell him to mind their budget and to be more practical. In one chapter (v1 c3), the two go to Asakusa. Buddha has to buy a baseball cap to cover his head/forehead so that he won't be accosted by tourists. Jesus, on the other hand, chooses to buy a complete Shinsengumi costume set--a purchase he justifies to Buddha as a pajama set. In another chapter (v1c7), Jesus spends a lot of money on a beginner's modeling set. And the first things he makes--the "something very dear to [him], a representation of [his] symbol" that Jesus sculpts--is not a cross which Buddha expects it to be but rather a laptop computer. (Jesus runs a blog/website where he posts reviews from every drama on every TV drama on the same day that it airs.)

Taken individually, I found both scenes quite amusing. Being a fan of the Shinsengumi and having been tempted more than once to buy some tacky Shinsengumi paraphernalia myself, I could definitely relate to the Asakusa experience. As a blogger who has recently added Sitemeter to my site--so I'm now compulsively checking my site stats once or twice a day!--I found the "Jesse's Dramandala" (Jesus uses a pseudonym) chapter pretty amusing.too.

But when I look at broader implications of the scenes, it bothers me to realize just how much of the time the Jesus of the manga is occupied with things. More than just being a frivolous spender, he comes across as being rather materialistic. Yet Jesus is the one who said "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth.... But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven.... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:19a, 21). So I don't think Jesus would really spend a lot of time trying to find the right Asakusa souvenir or making a lunchbox shaped like a notebook computer (much less making one as his "symbol").

Another "interesting" thing about the "Jesse's Dramadala" chapter (v1 c5) was the role it assigned to Buddha in one scene. After finishing his blogging, Jesus is hungry and wants to eat something. But there's nothing in the fridge and it's raining outside, so he asks Buddha if they can order in. Budget-conscious as he is, Buddha suggests that Jesus fast for the night. Finally Buddha seems to relent and goes off to get Jesus something. He returns in short order with a glass of water and a plate of rocks and tells Jesus that he can simply turn it tor bread and wine.

What's interesting about this scene is that it casts Buddha in the role of Satan. After all, in the Bible, before Jesus begins his ministry, he spends 40 days and nights fasting alone in the wilderness:

Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil.After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." - Matthew 4:1-4

So Buddha is actually taking on the role of the devil when he tells Jesus to turn the rocks into bread! And it seems like this was done intentionally by the writer, since Jesus' reply is something along the lines that Buddha doesn't have to play the part of a "demon bride." (Of course that's from the English scanlation. I haven't read the original Japanese, so I can't say how accurate the translation actually is.) I wonder what devout Buddhists would have to say about that?!

Another scene that I thought was interesting on a personal level but problematic on a Biblical level was when Buddha and Jesus participate in a mikoshi carry at an autumn festival (aki matsuri) (v1 c8). Jesus and Buddha are talking about how cool happi coats are, but in order to wear them, they have to participate in carrying the mikoshi (portable Shinto shrine). In the end of course, they decide to do it even though they're afraid of "getting made fun of by the Shinto god (of the shrine)." Their logic: no one will recognize them anyway!

The Biblical issues with the scene are pretty obvious, but it really struck me because way back in my first year in Towada I also participated in a mikoshi carry in the Towada Aki Matsuri. At the time I only thought of it as participating in a Japanese "cultural" thing and didn't even consider the religious implications.

And I think really that's been one of my biggest problems living in Japan. There are so many "cultural" things that have Shinto/Buddhist origins/meanings but it seems like many Japanese don't make that distinction between religion/culture, so I always end up going with the flow and thinking about the implications after the fact.

For example, last year the Towada ALTs were invited to a New Year's celebration held by the Towada Soroptimist Group. We ate traditional Japanese New Year food (osechi ryouri), played with traditional children's toys/games. They also dressed us in very nice kimonos (girls)/hakamas (guys). But at one point our hostess asked us to pay respects to her late husband. This of course involved lighting incense and "praying" at the household memorial altar.

Although this custom comes from Buddhism and is a form of ancestor worship,  I feel like for many Japanese it's more a matter of respect rather than a religious practice. So I was afraid that refusing would seem disrespectful. I did do it--out of respect--and tried to offset the sense of "wrongness" by at least praying to God while paying my respects, but it was a very uncomfortable moment for me. And really, I should have not done it and explained why I felt uncomfortable doing it. I'm sure our hostess would have understood if I had explained that I was refusing in order to be respectful to my own beliefs, and not out of any disrespect.

I've always felt like it was cowardice/fear of "confrontation" that made me "go with flow" and that kept me from properly explaining myself in such situations. But from reading Introverts in the Church I've come to realize that as an introvert, I generally take longer to think/react (compared to more extroverted people), so it's really more a problem of feeling pressured to respond without having enough time to think. And of course when you're feeling under pressure, it's easier to choose the path of least resistance. The Soroptimist New Year's party wasn't the first time such a situation had come, but the last time I had thought about the issue of paying respects to deceased family was the summer of my first year (re: obon), so I was sort of taken by surprise by the situation. Instead of simply feeling guilty about being "too afraid to explain myself," from now on I think I just need to remind myself before going to a Japanese person's house that such a situation may come up and prepare myself mentally to give a proper explanation.

But back to Saint Oniisan...

As problematic as I find some aspects of the manga, there are some scenes which I find truly funny. My favourite scene is probably the sauna scene in v1 c6. Jesus and Buddha go to the local pool/community center and end their day in the sauna. Jesus strikes up conversation with a guy there who just "happens" to be a yakuza member! The yakuza member see Jesus' scars and asks how he got them. Jesus answers that they were from being "condemned to capital punishment by some government officers" and the yakuza guy takes him to be a fellow former convict.

The yakuza guy goes on to explain how he spent seven years in Hokkaido after being betrayed by one of his "younger bros" (from the English fan translation). Jesus remarks that his situation was similar, but, in his case, he was able to come back after three days. The yakuza is naturally impressed and wants to know how Jesus managed that. Jesus replies that he didn't actually do anything. The yakuza guy asks if "someone pulled [Jesus] out from there." Jesus' answer: "Oh, no, in my case... It was the will of my Father, so..."

From this the yakuza guy draws the conclusion that Jesus is the second generation head of his (yakuza) group! It's really a great scene, and the way Jesus is drawn when he says "It was the will of my Father" really adds to the effect!

Although each chapter is pretty much stand-alone, there is some plot continuity. For example, when Jesus and Buddha go to the fall festival (v1 c8) where they participate in the mikoshi carry, they actually meet up with the sauna yakuza guy. He (and some fellow group members) are running a game stand and they are actually the ones who get Jesus and Buddha the happi coats and invitation to participate in the mikoshi carrying. =P

Actually, I really liked that the yakuza were "the first friends [Jesus and Buddha] made in the mundane world." I think it really fits with the Biblical depiction of Jesus as a friend of people outcast and marginalized by society.

So yeah, I think Saint Oniisan is an interesting manga that raises a lot of good points for discussion about not only the characters of Jesus and Buddha but also about religion in general. I haven't decided whether or not to buy the Japanese manga yet, but I'm definitely keeping track of the English fan translations!

Miracles (and universal health care)

As much as I talk about some of the more minute details of my every day life here in Japan, I rarely choose to share about truly personal things here. So I debated for quite a while about whether or not to actually publish this post.

But for me this has all been such an incredible display of God's miraculous workings that I feel compelled to write about it, even though I'm not 100% comfortable making this public knowledge.

To start at the beginning...

Around the end of February I got a call from my mom informing me that my dad was seeing a doctor about heart problems. At the beginning of March I got an email from my dad with the results from an angiogram: 3 arteries blocked 95%. Shortly after that he was scheduled for a triple coronary artery bypass surgery on March 20th at St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto.

The timing of the surgery coincided with spring break in Japan, but I had long since made arrangements to meet a friend from Vancouver in Anaheim to watch a Colorado Avalanche-Anaheim Ducks hockey game. Our accommodations and flights were already arranged. My parents insisted that I not cancel the trip, but after getting advice from several friends, I decided to extend my vacation to fly to Toronto from Anaheim (Los Angeles, actually) and to spend a few days at home before returning to Japan.

My father's surgery ended up getting canceled on the day of and re-scheduled to March 26th. As a result, he had only just been released the day before I arrived back in Mississauga (March 31st). (Just getting back to Toronto ended up being an adventure in itself since my flight to Denver was canceled due to snow--yes, snow at the end of March!--and I ended up having to spend a day at LAX waiting for another (but at least it was direct) flight to Toronto. Luckily Cecilia was able to pick me up even though I came in early in the morning on the 31st instead of on the night of the 30th as originally scheduled. And thank goodness when I bought my phone in Japan I made sure it would be able to work in North America as well!)

But it ended up being a really good thing that I did come home because the night of the day I got back, my dad was coughing a lot and couldn't sleep all night. So the next day (April 1st) I went with him to the doctor to get something to help him sleep.

But after taking the medicine, he still couldn't sleep. I had gone out to run various errands at this point, but my mother called the doctor who said it'd be OK for him to take a couple more of the pills. He did, but he still couldn't sleep. Then he started getting hyper-active and was coughing/wheezing a lot. My mom made an appointment with his doctor for later in the afternoon, but after I got home and observed his behaviour for about an hour or so, we (my mom and I) decided to take him to the doctor right away.

When his doctor examined him, it turned out that he was having difficulty getting oxygen (so oxygen deprivation was the cause of his giddy behaviour) and the doctor called an ambulance. At Mississauga Credit Valley Hospital, my father was put on oxygen and had his vitals monitored, but other than that we were just waiting for hours for a doctor to see him and assess his condition. During this time my dad's behaviour was still very erratic, his breathing continued to be laboured, and his chest (around his stitches) started bleeding a lot. It was a really scary time. I mean, we were in a hospital so if something went wrong there were people nearby to deal with it, but the waiting and not knowing what exactly was going on was nerve wracking. Plus there was the added stress of having to stay strong and calm/collected to reassure my father and to be a support for my mother.

It was fairly late in the evening by the time a doctor came to see him. After all that waiting, the diagnosis was that they were going to send him immediately (by helicopter) back to St. Mike's (i.e. where he'd had the surgery). So my mom and I, plus my aunt went home to quickly pack up our stuff and then my brother Nathan (who had come down after work) drove us all to his place downtown. We went to St. Mike's to see my father briefly before going back to my brother's place to sleep. (I also sent a frantic email to my supervisor in Towada, Mukainakano-sensei inquiring about the possibility of extending my stay in Toronto to deal with this latest emergency.)

The next day (April 2nd) my aunt went to see my dad in the hospital in the morning, allowing my mom and I to sleep in a bit longer. She reported that he'd been able to sleep and seemed to be in stable condition. When I went in around noon (?) he was being seen by doctors. They were drawing a heck load of fluid from his lungs--which is what had been causing all the problems.

When I was finally able to see him, he was lucid and in pretty good spirits. Still, I was worried enough to call Mukainakano-sensei to discuss the possibility of staying longer in Canada. It seemed like a lot of hassle and the doctor anticipated that my dad would be released again on Saturday anyway, so my parents convinced me to stick with my original itinerary. The rest of that day was spent at the hospital with a dinner break at a restaurant with my mom and brother.

The following day was back at the hospital (although my mom did go to work for a bit). Just before I was scheduled to go back to Mississauga (I was flying out the next morning), I managed to find time to research Netbooks (I'd been wanting a new, more portable laptop for some time), and I ended up going to Best Buy with my mom to pick one up. I went home with Cecilia and was able to spend time with some of the BSGE ("Best Small Group Evar") crew on my final night in Mississauga. (And bless her, Cecilia was also there to take me to the airport early on Saturday morning.)

When I got back to Towada I got the news from my mom that my dad had been released without any additional difficulties on Saturday. After that, in phone conversations with my mom and dad and reading my dad's blog, it seemed like everything was going well.

And when I went back in the summer for WAY camp, even though he had lost a lot of weight, my dad looked pretty healthy and was working hard to eat healthily and to exercise regularly without over-straining himself. It was a good summer back home and I left very much relieved at the state of my father's health. (Although I did get a bit worried when I saw that he was doing camp, photography at a local city councilor's BBQ and H&A's wedding photography all back-to-back.)

Reading my dad's blog at the beginning of September, I saw that he was planning on going back to work full-time and that he seemed to be getting busy with various church/community events again. I commented on his post about going back to work not to overdo things, but I didn't really think too much of it (trusting in his own common sense and his doctor's supervision)...

Fast forward to the most recent events:

This past Friday night (September 25), I got a call from my mother telling me that my dad had had a heart attack (and had gone into cardiac arrest) and was currently in the hospital. My brother had emailed me earlier, but I was just turning on the computer for the first time that day right when my mom called.

She told me that he had told her he was "going out with friends" and asked her to find a ride home. But he was actually at a wedding rehearsal. From what I've heard, he was talking to some friends one minute, then they turned around and he just collapsed. Luckily there was a nurse there who knew he'd had heart surgery and so started performing CPR right away. (I wish I could thank that nurse in person because her fast action might just have saved his life.) The ambulance arrived 6-7 minutes later; they used an AED (or something) on him to get his heart started again; and he was taken to Sunnybrook Hospital. (I'm a bit fuzzy on these details since I've only heard them through my mom on the phone.)

So that was as much as I knew on Friday night. It was a really tough night for me, to say the least. I emailed the BSGE crew plus a few other "like family" friends, and spent the rest of the night unsuccessfully trying not to think about the situation, sobbing my heart out and praying like I've never prayed before. It wasn't a pat "God, let your will be done" kind of praying, but an honest cry from the heart of "God, I'm scared" and "I don't want him to die. God, please don't let my dad die."

Around 1am I got an email from my brother (I'd asked him to email my cellphone so I'd know right away) saying that my dad was in stable condition and that they'd try to rouse him after about 10 hours (meaning about 11am Saturday morning, Japan time).

Since I ended up getting roped in to help with the children's make-up for the dance performance on Sunday, I had to go to the Bunka Center on Saturday morning around 10am to learn how to do the make-up properly. The entire time I was there I was just waiting for my phone to vibrate. When I finished (around 12pm) there was still no message from my bro, so I emailed to ask for an update.

The following is his reply (with a few minor modifications):

He was still under anesthetics and wouldn't be waking up for a while, but they'd started "warming him up." Since there was a period of time where oxygen was not getting to his brain, to minimize damage to his brain, they kept his body very cold to keep swelling to a minimum. They did this for about 24 hours. Next they were starting to remove the anesthesia and narcotics to see if he could regain consciousness maybe by the morning.

I got this message while grocery shopping in Jusco and had to fight to keep from going into tears again. My brother did a great job of keeping the email positive and making it sound like there was lots of hope and little reason to doubt that he'd wake up, but I didn't feel nearly as positive as his email sounded.

Thankfully I was able to go out for dinner that evening with my co-worker friend, Muranaka-san, because if I'd stayed home alone again all night, I definitely would have gone on another crying jag.

Despite crying some more and generally feeling worried and anxious before going to bed (I'd even emailed my brother to ask if he thought I should come home), I actually ended up dreaming that night that I was at home with my mom, brother, and dad, and having conversations with my dad about his recovery.

I was expecting an email to come to my phone during the night, but there weren't any messages when I woke up. When I checked my Gmail (Sunday morning), however, I saw a message from my brother saying that my dad had regained consciousness and was generally very responsive. He was able to move his appendages and was able to breathe on his own, so they were looking to move him out of intensive care into a private room within a couple of hours.

To me it was definitely a miracle born of the power of prayer.

Although I don't have much medical knowledge, I feel like such a quick "recovery" (obviously there's still a recovery period ahead, but regaining consciousness and being coherent seems to me to be the biggest hurdle in such a situation) is pretty unusual. And from what my mom told me last night (Sunday night), it seems like the doctors were also rather surprised/impressed at the speed of his progress.

Apparently the doctors had warned my mother that even if he opened his eyes, he might not actually be aware/coherent for quite a while--again, the problem of his brain going without oxygen for a period of time. Plus the fact that he hadn't once regained consciousness since his initial collapse made them think it might be a slow recovery.

But my mom told me that when she talked to him and said "Hazel McCallion sends her best wishes. Do you know who Hazel McCallion is?" my dad was able to answer "Mayor." He wasn't sure about what year it was, but at least he knew it was "two thousand something." And more recently my brother told me that my dad has been conscious and pretty chatty and seems to have pretty good long term memory. (Although he can't seem to focus so well and tends to ramble about the same thing repeatedly.)

They won't hear from the neurologist until tomorrow, but I'm cautiously hopeful that the prognosis will be good. And if nothing else, his physical prognosis seems to be pretty good so far. Although they are giving him an internal defibrillator to reduce the risk of fatal heart arrhythmia (irregular heart beats) in the future.

Even though the time from when my mom called (Friday night) until my brother emailed about my dad regaining consciousness (Sunday morning) felt like the longest 36 hours of my life, when I look at things objectively, I think the time we were just waiting and worrying was relatively short. I mean, people can remain comatose for days, weeks, months, or even permanently after going into cardiac arrest.

I must admit though, the time during which I didn't know whether or not my dad would be able to wake up was the only time I've truly regretted being in Japan. Not that I could have done anything to change the situation had I been in Canada, but I couldn't help but worry that he might pass away before I could get a chance to see him again. (Yes, I knew in my head that his physical condition was stable and the chances were probably low, but still...)

But anyway, I feel like in the past half a year or so, my dad has really been lucky/blessed, because:

1) He was incredibly lucky that they discovered the blockage in his arteries when they did. His cholesterol levels were fine and he was in good health, so the problem could have gone undetected for a long time. My uncle (my dad's younger brother) had passed away very suddenly from a heart attack about a year or so ago, so it's not hard to imagine that a similar fate could have befallen my dad.

2) I was home to take my dad to the doctor when he started acting erratically after the surgery. My mom would've been home anyway, but if I hadn't been there, it might have taken longer to have gotten him to the doctor/hospital and the consequences from the oxygen deprivation might have been more severe/long-lasting.

3) He was lucky that he was with friends--and friends who knew about his medical history--when he had the heart attack. If he had been on the subway or something, help might not have come until too late.

4) From what my mom has told me, it was also lucky that his camera bag cushioned his head when he collapsed, because otherwise he would've hit his head hard on the concrete.

5) As I've said before, the nurse who was there and performed CPR shortly after his collapse may well have saved his life.

6) And again, the fact that he's awake and seemingly fairly lucid/coherent only 48 hours after going into cardiac arrest is an amazing blessing.

I don't know who is/will read this, but I really want to thank every one who has been praying for my father and our family throughout this ordeal. (In particular during this recent situation, but also when we first learned that he would need the bypass surgery.)

And I'm so thankful to the friends and co-workers (in Canada, Japan, and various other places around the world) who have encouraged and supported my family and me through everything that has happened.

Moreover, I'm thankful for the all friends who--even without knowing anything about the situation--have helped me simply by being friends and being around to hang out with so I could carry on with a semblance of normalcy even through all the emotional turmoil.

And it goes without saying that I thank God that my father is alive now.

I'm also extremely grateful to be a Canadian with access to free, universal health care right now. I think it's simply inhumane to put the additional burden of worrying about finances onto a family suffering through a loved one's medical emergency. Whatever else we had/have to worry about in regards to my father's heart problems, at least we never have to worry about paying hospital bills. Yes, there are flaws in the system, but I think it comes through when it really counts.

Re: A job or a calling?

I was going to post a comment in response to the last two questions a friend wrote in a blog post ("A Job or a Calling?"), but then realized I had way too much to say to confine it to a comment post.

Her questions were: "Are you willing to go the extra mile in your job?" and "Can you picture a future in it? "

Probably I've talked about this before in this blog, but the sad thing I've come to realize is that, as I am now, because my answer to the former is "yes," my answer to the latter has to be "no."

And that, more than anything tells me how immature I still am.

I throw myself into things wholeheartedly and end up getting burned out because I still haven't learned how to balance all the various aspects of my life: work, relationships with friends/family, down time, etc. And I'm still selfishly lazy enough that I don't want to spend years of my life overworking so that I can learn how to make that balance.

Even though I'm passionate about education, right now I feel like it's more important for me to have a job that I can enjoy but that won't consume my life outside of my working hours. And teaching--assuming you're a teacher who cares, of course--is NOT that kind of a job.

One of the reasons (maybe not the biggest one, but a reason nonetheless) I haven't signed my re-contracting papers yet even though I'm 90% sure that I'd like to stay for a third (and likely final) year, is because I've been feeling so worn out and tired of working all the time recently. I think I can last a third year, but I'm a little worried that partway through I'm just going to burn out and stop caring about the job. And I've been so frustrated this year feeling like far too many ALTs only do what's asked of them--without even thinking of doing more--that I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I turned into one of them.

I guess what I lack is perseverance and faith in myself. People keep telling me that if I just give teaching a couple of years, I'll get better at it and start being more of the teacher I want to be, but I honestly don't think I'm capable of a) learning that fast; and b) sticking it out that long.

And because all that ed psych talk about the lasting effects of bad teaching really stuck with me, I'm not willing to subject students to my bad teaching if at the end I'm just going to give up (on a teaching career) anyway. I know, it's a completely pessimistic, defeatist attitude, but there you have it. Guess I'm just not a "yes, we can" kind of person.

When faced with the choice of regretting something I did NOT do or regretting something I did, I'm pretty sure I'd choose the former every time.

You might ask, "where is God in all this?" And, to be frank, I'm asking the same thing.

Going home and back to MCBC for Christmas really showed me just how ungrounded I've become. In "Christian-ese" we always talk about going through the valleys to reach the hilltops, but I'm feeling like I'm wandering around on a plateau in a huge crater or something--not necessarily going down, but definitely not going up anywhere either. It seems like in my time in Japan I've become more aware of my flaws, but less inclined to act to fix them.

Well, maybe that's just my current state of mind casting a feeling of languor over everything. (Actually, I really hope that's the case!)

But enough of the depressingly honest talk! I finally uploaded some photos to Facebook, so enjoy!

- Office Year End Party, Part 1
- Office Year End Party, Part 2
- Soroptomist New Year's Potluck

Knockin' at the door

Before I came to Japan, I hoped that I would be able to learn what it means to be Christian apart from helping in church ministries.

A year and four months into my time here, and, well, I've got to admit I really haven't a clue.

My thoughts are really disjointed right now, but I thought I should at least share some of the things God's been doing to remind me that he is in my life, even if I'm not making much of an effort to spend time with him.

For a while (maybe three days?) I managed to get my act together to do some of the Disciple readings. It just so happened that where I left off was apt for my current situation: chapter 17, "A Time of Transition." For the chapter, I read Esther, and what really struck me was Esther's reaction when she found out that Mordecai was wearing sackcloth and ashes at the king's gate: she wanted him to put on clean clothes. It struck me as odd because throughout Biblical history, the donning of sackcloth and ashes has meant great suffering/mourning, or grief/repentance. But Esther didn't get it right away. She only asked Mordecai what was wrong after he refused the clothes. I wondered, too, if maybe she sent the clothes to Mordecai out of embarrassment over his actions.

We always have this vision of Biblical heroes as just that--God's chosen: larger than life and "holier-than-us"--but reading that, I wondered just how "set apart" Esther was at the time? I mean, she wasn't like Daniel, sticking to Jewish customs in opposition to the king's orders. I mean, she was the queen for how long without anyone realizing that she was Jewish? I've always thought that I needed to be "out there" with my faith, that it should somehow be more obvious to people who see me.

Maybe it's just that I was looking for justification for myself, but reading Esther made me think that maybe "being a Christian" doesn't always have to be something that is super obvious to others--like a giant cross tattoed on my foreheard--and that maybe it's ok to be subtly different. Of course I also thought that despite all the years of "blending in" and possibly losing track of some of her Jewish traditions/beliefs, Esther was nonetheless willing to answer to God's call when it came. And I don't know if, in the state I'm in now, I'd be able to hear a message from God, much less act on it.

When we were waiting to try our kimonos on before the big November dance performance, my dance partner (and dance teacher's niece), Maki, suddenly asked me if I was a Christian. I naturally answered yes, and she asked a bit about going to church and some Christian beliefs (like thoughts on Halloween). As usual, I was caught unawares and probably didn't give very good answers. She was particularly interested in church because many Japanese will say that they're Buddhist or Shinto without feeling the need to go to temples/shrines or to follow any religious practices at all (or if they do, it's more for tradition than any sort of religious piety). The entire time I was talking with her, I was thinking: "Heck, how can I talk about the importance of going to church to Christians when I haven't gone since April?"

And really, that's the bottom line, isn't it? I clearly don't believe in the importance of church enough to go out and find a church to attend regularly or to persevere in attending a church with an environment that makes me uncomfortable.

Then last week I was teaching a Christmas lesson with the ninensei at Sanbongi Elementary School. I gave a talk about some of the differences between Christmas in Japan and in Canada (fried chicken VS turkey, a couple holiday VS a family holiday, etc.) and one of the students asked (in Japanese, of course): "Why is Christmas so important to Canadians?" So there I was trying to explain in broken Japanese with some basic English (it was an English class, after all) that it's important because it's the birthday of Jesus Christ, God's son (and how that translates into a family holiday, well...).

Most recently (this past Tuesday, in fact), my dance teacher asked me if I'm Christian and if I knew the Nakanowatari's from church. Apparently she was speaking to one of them and it came out in the course of the conversation that I went to their church for a while. ^^;; I still feel a little guilty for the way I just stopped going to church and didn't get in contact with them after I moved from the old house, but not enough to do anything about it.

*sigh* Putting all these things down in writing forces me to face the fact that I'm really lazy, and a coward to boot. I know that I should be responding to these "signs" somehow, but instead I choose to absorb myself in my work and to prioritize anything and everything above spending time in real conversation with God to avoid the risk hearing something from him that I don't want to listen to/act upon.

And though I've never had doubts about my beliefs, good old James 2:17 has been haunting me recently (when I give myself time to think, that is): "...faith by itself, if it is not accompanined by action, is dead."

Lazy Days

I've been really lazy since moving into the apartment. I finally finished cleaning late on Thursday night, so Friday I spent pretty much the entire day (I got home from school around 4:30pm after hitting the bank and the 100 yen store) on the internet and reading scanlated manga. I was too lazy to even make pizza toast for dinner, so I had a bah hu (shredded pork floss) sandwich, plus Cadbury Mini Eggs.

I slept in until about 12pm today then hooked up the phone, did laundry, and looked up various Jane Austen spin-off books (sequels to her novels, completions of her fragments, etc.). I was so lazy I didn't even eat cereal (I think the milk expired yesterday anyway!), just the remainder of the Mini Eggs bag I opened yesterday. Luckily Allie sent me a message to invite to dinner with her, Juliet, Teresa, and Kelly and Ron or I probably would've skipped out on dinner too. ^^;;

Just before heading out for dinner, Crystal called to say that they were in the area, so she and Weldon and some other ALTs (they had gone out to Lake Towada) came by to pick up the intermediate Japanese course books (provided through the JET Programme) I had barely used and to view the apartment.

After dinner, everyone came over to hang out until about 11 something.

I really think that for the next couple of weeks I could be quite happy just staying at home reading manga and watching movies. (I also suspect I wouldn't eat much more than cereal and pizza, though, so it's good that I get school lunches!)

Even though I don't have the excuse of moving into/cleaning the apartment anymore, I don't think I'm going to go to church tomorrow.

It's sad to admit, but it's been over a month since I last went and I don't have any feelings of missing it at all. I do have the occasional pang of guilt for not calling and at least giving them my new contact info, but not strong enough that I'm actually planning on doing so in the near future.

Since I started thinking seriously about Christianity (i.e. junior high/high school), I've always believed in the importance of going to church, but I guess my conviction wasn't as strong as I thought it was. I hate to say it, but I'm really thinking that I prefer to not go to church rather than dragging myself to and through it every week. But since I've also been negligent in personal devos/Bible study, not going to church would probably turn me into a in-name-only Christian.

*sigh* I've always had problems with determining when the action is more important than the accompanying feelings/motivations and when the right motivations/feelings are more important than the action. Does God want me to go to church even when I'm unhappy being there, or do my negative feelings render the act (of going to church) meaningless?

It's harder than my university days because it's not simply a matter of laziness: I've tried churches here and am simply unsatisfied by them. But I don't know how much of it is real dissatisfaction and how much is me inflating the negative points to justify not going. @_@ It's all really a tangle.

But on a happier note, I finally got the official OK to go on the school trip with the ninensei in October!! I'll have to take nenkyuu (vacation) and pay for myself, and I won't be able to watch the Lion King with them (I've already seen it anyway), but I get to go!!! They were saying that it would probably be OK for a long time, but I was still a little worried that something would come up to prevent my going, so it's a relief to finally get things settled.

I am a little worried about being a burden on the teachers (they have a lot of work to do for the trip) but I really do want to do my best to be helpful and to find ways to get the students practicing their English on the trip. ^_____^

I'm also going to the big regional (?) JHS sports festival in Tohoku Machi next weekend!! It'll be a long weekend (starting at 6:50am on Saturday!), but if my students win on Sunday, I'll be able to go cheer for them on Monday (instead of going in for an office day). ^_^

One of the most meaningful compliments I've gotten from the other teachers at Kirita is that I'm like a regular teacher, and I really hope that this year I can continue improving as a teacher and increasing my role as a member of the staff at Kirita.

Admittedly, with all the moving stuff I've gotten a little lazy and less pro-active about lesson planning, but I did have some really good jishu gakushu (extra English) classes with every grade this week (everyone seemed to have fun and get the grammar points I was teaching/reviewing), so hopefully I'll be back on track next week.

So yeah, I guess that's it for today's rambling post. If you're interested, I posted five new photos of my now CLEAN apartment on Facebook here.

The Good Shepherd

I have a confession to make: last Saturday night I made a conscious decision to stay home and not go to church on Easter Sunday. At the time on Easter Sunday of all days I shouldn't be going to church purely out of a sense of obligation and knowing that I was going to begrudge the time I spent there.

In the past few weeks I've been increasingly dissatisfied with church life here. The pastor and his wife and the couple of people who attend off and on are nice enough people but they're much older than me (like in their 60s and 70s)--the one lady who is closer to my age (but still in her thirties) often can't come because of her work schedule--so we really don't have much to talk about. As a result, the lunches after the service have been becoming more and more tiresome. I've actually left right after the service a couple of times, but each time they (the pastor and his wife) really put pressure on me to stay and made me feel really guilty about skipping out.

Then too a couple of weeks ago the pastor informed me that he had told another pastor that I would be going with them to visit them in Misawa in the afternoon at like 4pm--without asking me beforehand! I was really super pissed that he would presume to accept an invitation for me and then put a guilt trip on me when I declined to attend because I had been out late the night before (at our monthly gathering at Sakagami's drinking house) and was really tired. He actually said something along the lines of: "I hope in the future you will get rest so you will not be too tired to join us on Sundays." I have to admit I was pretty snarky and replied: "I hope next time you will ask me ahead of time if you want me to join your plans for the afternoon because I may be busy or already have plans of my own."

So after that I told the pastor (without any guilt) that I would be attending the church in Misawa(Greater Love) the following week. (I had already been planning to go back because I hadn't seen Weldon and Crystal in a while and I really needed to hear a message in English, so that incident just confirmed my decision to go to Misawa the next week.)

At Greater Love the next week I was glad to see Crystal and Weldon again but the downsides to the church really seemed clear to me: the message and focus was all very American-base-centric (fair enough since that's the bulk of the congregation); and although everyone was very warm and welcoming, it was in a rather impersonal and shallow way. I mean, I suddenly stopped coming after attending regularly for about 2 months and when I returned over a month later it was as if I was a newcomer all over again. Honestly I think people didn't even realize that I had been there before--and it's not so large of a church that a lone Asian person in the crowd should reasonably go unnoticed.

So yeah, I didn't really want to go to Greater Love for Easter Sunday either, especially since they were having a big lunch after the service; I knew Weldon and Crystal would probably go and I would feel bad if I skipped out without anything pressing waiting for me at home, but I would also feel awkward if I stayed.

And that's how I came to the decision to stay home on Easter Sunday.

To make matters worse, I also intentionally stayed up late (until about 2am) so that I could honestly answer that I was tired and slept in if asked why I didn't go to church.

But as set as I thought I was on not going, I guess I still had some doubts about my decision since I did set my alarms so that I would wake up in time for church. (I figured I would do my usual weekend thing and hit the snooze button or turn them off and end up waking up at 12pm.)

Apparently God had other plans, though, because I actually woke up when the first alarm went off and I was awake enough that I had to make a conscious decision to stick to the plan (of not going to church) and to go back to sleep.

The same thing happened when the second alarm went off; I could easily have gotten up and gotten ready for church but I decided to stick to the plan and made myself go back to sleep.

Then the phone rang at the time service was supposed to start. Again, I could've answered it, but I knew it was probably the pastor's wife calling so I decided to let it go to the answering machine. But I could hear the message she was leaving, and in it she mentioned that there was a "young Japanese lady who was interested in learning English."

When I heard that I felt for the first time that I had made the wrong decision in choosing to stay home that week. I mean, the whole reason I was so disappointed in both of the churches was because neither of them gave me the opportunity to talk with Japanese people my age who were interested in communicating with a native English speaker and the one week I decided to stay home just had to be the week when such a person appeared!

But I realized that I had two choices: I could compound my error (of deciding not to go to church) by stubbornly sticking to my plan because it would be embarrassing to go to church so late, or I could take the chance God was giving me to correct my error and get up and go to church, even if I was going to be half an hour late.

So I chose the latter and it was definitely the right choice. On my way to church I was kind of worried that the pastor's wife's definition of "young lady" might be different from mine--like someone in their late 30's--but it turned out that she, Mayumi, was about the same age as me and a fun person to talk with.

We both stayed for the lunch and for once I wasn't just watching the clock and waiting for enough time to pass that I could excuse myself without being rude. Since Mayumi needed to go to Tsutaya but couldn't drive/didn't have a car, I offered to drive her there. (She had come by bike so first we had to stuff her bike in the back of my car and drop it off at her house. It didn't actually fit--the trunk couldn't close--but I drove slowly and she only lived about 5min away from the church so it worked out.) After that I hung out at her house for a couple of hours.

Even though she won't be able to come to church because of her work schedule (she's a hair stylist so her off day is Monday), we exchanged contact info so we can hang out again sometime. I wish I could've made plans to meet up this week but with all the parties for co-workers who have been transferred to other schools/departments, I just don't have the time. (Plus I'm sick and don't want to spread my germs around if I can avoid it.)

So yeah, the whole incident made me realize again what it means when we say that Jesus is the good shepherd. Usually we only think of the lost sheep metaphor as applying to non-believers, but there are many times when believers also stray from the flock and need rescuing.

And I think it's really amazing that God made such a great effort and gave me so many chances to come back to him on Easter Sunday even though I had made a conscious decision and effort to run away from him.

"Always look on the bright side of life"

Apologies for the lack of updates. I've had a jam-packed teaching schedule, various visitors (C from Sai, as well as family), household winter preparations, and first snowfall(s) in Towada to deal with.

Anyway, just a quick note to say that I'm getting sick (again?). I've got the dry cough, sore throat, and congested sinus thing going, so I'm feeling...less than great.

But I'm trying to practice thankfulness.

I mean, it sucked that there was such a large snowfall so early in the winter season (I've been told it was a record-setting snowfall for November in Towada), but I was lucky that I had people over who had no problem waking up early and helping to shovel the snow.

The Hachinohe mid-year seminar (for all JETs in Aomori prefecture) was a bit of a pain since we had to arrange our own transportation and accomodations, but it was great because it gave me the opportunity to fellowship with other Christian JETs. A bunch of us got together for a(n American) Thanksgiving dinner at the home of two (Christian) Hachinohe JETs, W&C. It was truly a blessing for me to be able to listen to everyone sharing about what God was doing in their lives in Japan. And it also made me realize how little I've grown and how apathetic I've been about my relationship with God since coming to Japan. It was a good kick in the butt, so to speak. Moreover, I got the name of W&C's church in Misawa, so I think I'm going to try going to that one instead of Calvary Baptist Church (CBC).

I know I've only been there twice, but I really feel that people at that church will only make an effort to welcome you if you're American (and from the base) or Japanese (and part of the "unevangelized"). I mean, I filled out the visitor card asking for more information, and even indicating that I might be interested in serving, but it's been two weeks and I haven't heard a thing from CBC. Maybe I'm just being impatient, but now that I know there's a church where I'll have at least two friends, I'm not willing to spend more time on CBC.

[22 Jan 2010 Edit: I realize now that I was being very judgmental of CBC because I felt uncomfortable at there and I mistakenly placed the blame for that feeling of discomfort on the church atmosphere instead of my own highly introverted nature. I really didn't give the church a fair chance at all.]

But anyway, this is supposed to be a post about thankfulness, so I digress.

I'm thankful that the weather cleared up for my family's (mom, my aunt, and auntie Selina) last weekend in Japan. We had a great time in Hakodate, and getting them to Misawa station early on Monday morning was no problem since the snow had melted and the weather was good.

Going back to my current state of health, I realized yesterday that the good thing about having a cold is that it makes natto (fermented soy beans) a heck of a lot easier to eat. I was actually able to finish all of my natto during school lunch yesterday simply because the cold dulled my sense of taste enough for me to stomach it! (Usually I can only manage to eat 1/3-1/2 of the serving of natto.)

And speaking of school lunches, today was the first time a particular group of the 3rd year girls talked to me during school lunch of their own volition: they asked me if I had a boyfriend! =P It was pretty funny, actually, because before they asked me, I was listening to them talk about the 3 qualities they look for in guys (face, height, etc.). I couldn't help smiling at their conversation, so I think a couple of them realized I could understand what they were saying, and that's what prompted them to ask me that question. It's too bad, though, that I had to answer, "No, I don't have a boyfriend." I'm really happy being single and not particularly interested in being part of a "couple", but at that particular moment, I did kind of wish I had a boyfriend just so I would have a little more to talk about with them. Instead I just asked them back "Do you have boyfriends?" To which, of course, they all replied "NO!" except for one who jokingly pointed to one of the other girls and said "----'s my boyfriend." ^_~

Another thing that happened at school today was that I found out that tomorrow is my JTE's last day before she goes on maternity leave. At first I was a little irritated that no one bothered to tell me earlier when her last day would be (I sort of figured it out when she told the 1st years that she'd had fun with the class and later asked someone when her last day would be), but, on the bright side, at least I found out today so I could make plans to go in to the school tomorrow to say goodbye properly.

Of course, I'm also sad that we won't be working together anymore. I won't say that it was an ideal working relationship, but I think we got along quite well and that our team-teaching would've improved and gotten more in sync if we'd continued to work together. But I'm thankful that I'll have a little more time than I thought I'd have to get to know the teacher I'll be working with for the rest of the year before I have to make my re-contracting decision.

When T-san (the school clerk/secretary) told me the name of N-sensei's replacement (and the school she'd be coming from), at first I thought that I'd never met her. After I got home, though (a good half-hour later!) I realized that I have indeed met her at Higashi JHS, but I hadn't taught with her, so it took me a while to make the connection. So although I wish my new JTE could've been a teacher I'm more familiar with (and know that I can work with), at least I know that it's not one of the teachers that I find more...challenging to work with. And who knows, maybe I'll end up getting along with her even better than I did with N-sensei--one can always hope!

I'm also thankful to have received my first Christmas card!! (Thanks Ceci!) It actually arrived two days ago, but since I'd been busy cleaning up after my family's visit and doing chores and errands I put off during their stay, I forgot to open it until today. =P Not only was it great to get mail that wasn't a bill, it was a good reminder that I should probably be sending out my cards by next week at the latest.

So yes, there're a lot of things to be thankful for. ^_^

(What are YOU thankful for?)

Calvary Baptist Church Misawa, Japan

I went to church in Japan for the first time today. It was definitely a bit of a weird experience, and it made me realize a few things:

1) becoming part of an established faith community takes work and perseverance
2) one friendly face/one person acknowledging that you're new and welcoming you makes a HUGE difference
3) a written order of service can be very comforting/help ease the feeling of disorientation
4) ultimately, worship isn't about me, but GOD

So that's the summary. Feel free to stop reading here. The rest of this post is going to be my recollection of and musings on the experience.

Thank goodness I spent a good hour online yesterday afternoon/evening looking up Misawa maps and plotting my route to the church! The Calvary Baptist Church (CBCM) website had what has got to be one of the most useless set of directions and map that I have encountered:

DRIVING DIRECTIONS:
From the main gate, go straight.
At the third stoplight, make a LEFT turn.
At the next stoplight, make a RIGHT turn.
The church will be on your LEFT.

And that was it!! They didn't give any landmarks, plus they didn't even orient the map properly (i.e. north-east-south-west)!

Luckily I found a map online that showed stoplights, landmarks, and major and small roads, because I overshot the main gate and had to go back. Considering how directionally-challenged I am, I was quite proud of the fact that my little detour only took about five minutes to correct. (Okay, I actually also missed the left turn at the stoplight because I forgot to count the main gate stoplight, but I didn't have to turn back to find the church, so I'm not counting that mistake!)

And even though I had to take a different route going home (the road I took going up was a one-way street up to the main gate), I didn't get lost at all on the way back! (God was definitely at work there! =P)

Anyway, I made it to the church with a couple of minutes to spare before the service was scheduled to start and in the foyer there was a sign that said "Visitors please sign in here." So I walked up to the table--still kind of looking at the sign, but the lady there didn't say anything, just gave me a quizzical smile, so I didn't say anything and just turned to go into the sanctuary.

Apparently I should've said something because they give a bag of cookies to first-time visitors, but I've always been the type to avoid asking for help/things, so that's kind of where #2 (in my list of realizations) comes into play.

When the guy leading the service explained about the bag of cookies (and I noticed that the couple in front of me had a key chain that said "visitor 20") I felt pretty dumb for not signing in, but at the same time, I was kind of thinking that if the lady had even said "hello" I would've felt more comfortable about identifying myself as a visitor. So that was my negative experience of #2.

As a positive experience, of #2, however, during the "let's stand up and greet each other" time, a woman came up and introduced herself to me. She asked me if it was my first time at the church, and briefly mentioned that the church's pastor had fallen ill and had to return to the US, so they were currently without a pastor, but she hoped that I would join in some of the many activities the church had to offer. Up to that point, I had been wondering if I really wanted to make the drive out to Misawa for church in English every week.

Even though I was among people who could speak English, I felt out of place. (It didn't help that almost everyone there seemed to be part of a family from the American base.) I wondered if it would be better for me to go to a Japanese speaking church in Towada. I might not understand the songs or the messages (or anything, really), but at least there would be with people from my local community. And who knows, maybe I could make some friends and/or improve my Japanese!

I'm actually still thinking about it (I've found the address for a baptist church in Towada), but thanks in large part to that friendly woman, I'm feeling more like I should give CBCM a few more tries before going to the Towada church.

Actually, I think I'm coming to a fifth realization here. The hardest thing about the service today was the wave of homesickness that struck me as I sat in the pew, waiting for service to begin. As I looked around, I wasn't thinking "I'm glad to be back at a church after all these months," but "I wish I was back at MCBC." And I can't help but wonder if that feeling isn't part of the reason I put off looking for a church until I had my car and could drive to an English-speaking church in Misawa. I mean, I sort of knew there was a baptist church in Towada, so if I had wanted to, I could've looked it up online and ridden my bike there. Maybe I knew, subconsciously, that going to church in Japan would be the thing to make me feel the most homesick, so I wanted to avoid that?

But back to my experience today. As I mentioned, I felt really homesick as I was sitting (by myself) in the pew, waiting for the service to start--so much so that I could actually feel tears welling up. Whirling around in my mind were all these thoughts of how uncomfortable I felt. As the service started, however, I caught myself and had to remind myself that being at church wasn't supposed to be all about me, it was about worshipping GOD (realization #4).

That thought helped a lot. When I caught myself focusing on minor differences between CBCM and MCBC, I reminded myself "it's about God" and that helped me to stop nit-picking. That said, some of the differences made me appreciate the small things MCBC does, for example:

1) printing the order of service on the bulletin (realization #3): even though we don't always follow it as it's printed, I think it does help ease a newcomer's feeling of disorientation; I especially missed having the scripture passage for the message printed because I didn't catch the full scripture reference, so I had to flip through all of 2 Corinthians to find the passage while it was being read--and to make it harder, the person doing the reading wasn't reading directly from the NIV Bible or the translation they had in the pews, but was kind of doing his own thing.

2) passing the offering bag through all rows: I actually planned on giving offering, but the ushers (or whatever you want to call the people collecting the offering) didn't pass the plate down my pew (I was at the side and they were going down the middle) because I didn't know to make a gesture to indicate that I wanted to give something (like flashing an envelope or nodding my head, or something); I guess they don't want people to feel obligated, but at the same time, it made it awkward for me as a person who did want to give an offering

3) ask for newcomers to identify themselves and to fill out a card: according to guy chairing the service, there were supposed to be cards for newcomers to fill out in the pews, but I didn't see any, so since I missed signing in, there wasn't any way for me to identify myself as a visitor to the church; it wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't planning on coming back, but since I want to try to become a part of the community, I would've like'd to have been able to make myself known without having to go up and start talking to someone randomly (and how would I know who was a regular member and who wasn't, anyway?)

I know I'm complaining/criticizing a lot, but it wasn't all discomfort and awkwardness. Apart from the song for the call to worship and the song of response, I knew all the songs. And I don't think I've belted out songs like that in a long time (last Sunday at MCBC I was too tired to really put everything into my singing). Not knowing anyone made me feel a little freer to focus on singing to God (I wasn't thinking about what to do after service, who I needed to talk to, etc.).

Plus I actually took notes on the message (I haven't done that in a LONG time)! Objectively the message was more self-helpish and less Bible-based than I would've liked, but the speaker did have some interesting illustrations and good points. He was talking about problems and troubles. The distinction he made between the two is that problems have a solution, but troubles require rescue.

An example he gave was some firefighters in California. They needed to find a way to stop a large fire from jumping a road and spreading. That was a problem that they were trained to deal with. But while they were working on that, a big wind came and suddenly they were surrounded by flames. That was trouble that required a helicopter to come and spread some fire retardant and to rescue them.

He talked about how our responses to problems and troubles need to be different. For problems, we should pray for strength and wisdom to solve them, but for troubles, we should pray for weakness so that we can allow God to be our strength and to save us.

Another point he made was that the root problem is sin. As a problem, it has a solution, but it is also a trouble because the solution requires/required rescue through Jesus's salvation.

As you can probably tell from my ability to recollect the message, I found it pretty interesting, and it reminded me that I do need to take time to listen to and reflect on God's word.

"You Don't Know What You Got..."

As the saying/song ("Big Yellow Taxi") goes: "You don't know what you got 'till it's gone." (Grammatically incorrect, I know.)

Today at Kirita there was a mini-concert performed by members of a local (junior?) orchestra and the songs made me feel a little...nostalgic/homesick. Towards the end of the program they played "Take Me Home Country Road" (from the Studio Ghibli anime "Mimi wo Sumaseba" aka "Whisper of the Heart") and a medley from "The Sound of Music."

The cellist explained the background of the songs (in Japanese, of course), and encouraged everyone to sing along if they could--particularly for the "Do Re Mi" song from "The Sound of Music." Listening to the familiar music, I had the urge to play the piano.

But of course I remembered that I don't have a piano of my own here.

Funny, isn't it how one of the first things from Canada that I feel the lack of is something that I didn't even really use when I was there? If I can download & print or otherwise rustle up some sheet music, I may ask the music teacher at Kirita if there's a time when I can practice without disturbing people.

The "Country Road" song specifically also made feel a little nostalgic. When I heard the opening bars of the song, I remembered watching the movie with Ceci and laughing over how they killed the song in the movie with overuse!

I miss hanging out with the girls and/or small group people. All the JET friends I've made here are great, and we get together quite frequently, but it's not quite the same.

And I know I've been pretty complacent about my relationship with God since coming here (if not for the sense that I "should be" attending church, I probably wouldn't feel bothered at all by the fact that I'm not going to make a concerted effort to find a church until I get a car), but I think that this is really where I can see "the difference."

Don't get me wrong, my friends here are amazing people who are always more than willing to lend a hand or to go the extra mile for a friend--and I don't know how I would've gotten along in Japan without them--but without God in the relationship, there isn't that same feeling of investment in each other's lives.

I miss sharing not just about the events and details of life but about the true thoughts and feelings that arise from them. I miss that feeling of knowing others and being known by them. I miss being able to pray with others about anything and everything.

In a nutshell, I miss Christian community.

And I guess that just highlights the strength and weakness of my faith.

I've never doubted God's presence in my life. In all the times of trouble or apathy I've experienced, I've always known that God is here for me. I don't think I've ever really doubted his love or wondered if he's deserted me.

But because of that certainty, I am also complacent. I don't worry about my lack of action to accompany my faith. And when I neglect God, I don't feel the same sense of loss/disconnection that I feel in relation to people.

One of my goals before coming to Japan was to earnestly seek GOD. I wanted to build a relationship with him that wasn't contingent on other people or service in a church/ministry.

And here I am, a month and a half into my life in Japan (and an hour into writing this post) and I'm only just realizing that I've completely lost sight of that goal.

As certain as I am (and have been) of God, I can see now that I still have no idea what it means to be a Christian. And I'm pretty sure I've come to this realization before.

I just wonder how many more times I'm going to have to come to it before I start figuring things out.

Post-Script: Reviewing what I've written, I ask myself:

Should I post this here, or should I post it on my devo blog?

Will people who aren't from MCBC/the Mississauga church circle be turned off from this blog after reading this post? Will they ask me questions I won't feel comfortable answering? Will it negatively alter their perceptions of me somehow? I've used a lot of Christian jargon; I don't want to seem like some right-wing Bible-thumper.

Who is this blog for? How much of myself do I want to share with its intended audience? Do I compartmentalize myself too much--a Japan blog, a devo blog, a hockey blog, an anime/manga/random blog, a Xanga blog...?

What does it say about my "faith" that I am a bit uncomfortable with sharing these thoughts with anyone and everyone who feels like reading this blog post?

Will people who aren't close Christian friends bother reading all of this anyway? And even if they do, will they comment on it, or say anything to me about it?

And finally:

I've spent over an hour writing this thing! Isn't it about time that I took a shower and got ready for bed? I've got classes to teach tomorrow, and I've been going to bed pretty late for the past few days!

Obon in Misawa

Monday (we were given the day off to get our households in order) T-sensei picked AH and I up to go with her family to “celebrate” obon. Basically obon is a time when families go to pay respects to their ancestors; during this time, families clean the tombstones, leave offerings, and pray at temples. T-sensei and her husband were great about explaining the various rituals, and they even asked us to participate by placing some incense on the tomb marker.

(One thing that I didn't think about until much later, though, is whether or not I should have participated in the ceremony. I mean, I viewed it as a cultural/respect thing, but there was a Buddhist priest performing rites, and it is a Buddhist holiday/"celebration". Should I have tactfully declined to participate? I don't know, and I suspect that this will be a recurring problem/issue for me: the tension between being open to different cultures/beliefs and being true to my Christian beliefs.)

After that, we went for dinner at T-sensei’s house. Her mother had made most of the food, and there was a TON of it. Her husband was really excited to have AH there, since she was able to try out all his different beers—and of course that meant he was able to drink as well! We also met T-sensei’s two teenage (high school aged) sons. They were quite shy—probably because we’re girls—but they seemed like nice guys.